Someone recently asked me if I apply my knowledge to my private life. And honestly, I said yes. The topic was discussing difficulties in someone's life; the conversation turned from bemoaning difficulties (many and related) to bemoaning solutions (apparently few, more an unconsidered option and only after I asked). After that, I weighed in with my opinion...which was solution based.

I've always been a problem solver. I think that's not some kind of a gift, it's more of a necessity - for many of us, our life experience, including early life experiences, pushes us into a direction, and skills are developed along the way, or not, as it may be. In my case, I will readily admit that the wish to problem solve (to help), was definitely present as long as I can remember, and often enough resulted in good ideas on my part even then. But the thing I was missing was the realisation that it's hard to solve problems when people over-focus on those rather than on what comes after. As you can imagine, this would have been immensely frustrating to say the least, and very temper-trying (and yes, I would lose my temper often enough). Later, as my consulting work began and developed and grew, the problem solving became even more important, and while I no longer really lost my temper (I will admit to fuming privately sometimes when someone seems to be keener on keeping the problem they want me to solve going rather than actively being a part of a solution, but then again, I am human!), I found it hard to comprehend why it remained so difficult for people to focus on the solution rather than on the problem.

I wish I could say that some wisdom come with age is the reason I changed my approach a little (and in a very important way). But I have to disappoint you; while that is a common socio-cultural myth that we readily employ all the time, a trope of "I know better now because I am older and have magically sucked up knowledge from the universe via an age straw" is actually a convenient lie we tell ourselves when we do not wish to acknowledge that knowledge acquisition takes active participation. No, one does not just magically become more knowledgeable with each passing year - if anything, I know many people who do the exact opposite as they do not wish to change anything and do not keep up to date with the ever-changing world -; what makes a difference is observing, actively asking, being inspired by others' work and findings.

For me, the work I have done in the last few years on consulting and coaching especially brought me into proximity of some really good thinkers, with some really great ideas. And it was the combined knowledge of those thinkers (too many to name here) that essentially taught me the importance of recognising the solution as a chief part of any problem solving. This was important, because it confirmed two things : one, I have always been right in thinking the solution is the important part of any problem, and two, people really do tend to focus too much on the problem itself...others have had that experience. Which left me with a question - why? Why is the problem so much more important than a solution for it, especially when the problem, even if it seems enormous, often shrinks away incredibly quickly when some very good, and often simple, steps are applied?

The answer to that came to me through patient observation (including of what others had to say about their work experience), but it's actually an important one : we focus on the problem because the problem is given weight. And there is socio-cultural baggage to that, a kind of legitimacy, if you will, created over the ages...consider only the many fairy tales where the solution, once someone gets to it, is actually laughably simple, but has invariably claimed a number of lives (for real or not quite so much, some people are brought back to life again after the hero/heroine solves the problem) at every try before. In those tales, a societal or cultural more is generally at the centre of why everyone else fails, and it can be down to who you have to be (identity) to how you have to behave (hierarchy and structure of the society/culture). We won't argue whether that is a good thing or a bad thing...ultimately, it depends on the tale itself, and on what it is trying to teach as an inalienable social or cultural behaviour. (Human rights will always, always be at the centre of everything I do - period.) But it is a definite fact that, even in those tales, even if it is accidental, we sacrifice the understanding that a problem is only as insurmountable as our solution skills for entrenching the social/cultural "knowledge" that it cannot be solved (at least not without being the "right" person to do it).

A great deal of blame, also, is generally assigned all around for the problem (in real life - it depends with fairy tales). We humans seem to like to work under the delusion that there could indeed exist a perfect world in which obstacles, problems and challenges did not exist. Therefore, if they do come to call, someone must be responsible. I see that in private context as well as in business : be it lack of attentiveness of a spouse or a bad delay at the office, there is often less attention to the solution than to repeatedly rehashed, often vitriolic, discussions of who is to blame and who is not.

Don't get me wrong. There are situations in which someone actively has responsibility. In bullying situations at work, in acts of violence at home or elsewhere, there is indeed a responsibility that lies with the perpetrator(s) as well as with witnesses who do or did nothing, even when and if they could. Creating and allowing to grow of an office culture where violence is ok, for instance, is indeed a responsibility of everyone actively involved from top to bottom, and it's not right to allow this then be surprised when it escalates. But those are very specific cases, and cannot and should not be equated with, say, a late shipment or delayed email correspondence that came because life is unpredictable and sometimes creates delays. By all means, figure out if there was anything that could have been done differently, but also be ready to acknowledge when there wasn't. We - and me probably more than anyone - dislike feeling that we are not in control, because that feels scary. But not looking this fear in the eye does you no good.

Let's return to the conversation from the top of the page. The person discussed was experiencing difficulties on multiple tiers of their life - things were complicated at work; things were breaking down at home; things were breaking down mentally. In reality, after hearing the details through, I saw that they were essentially all the same two problems - that of work-related stress and of lacking solution skills. Let's break this down : because of a work-related problem, the person's mood was not good to say the least. They would come home mentally and physically tense and exhausted, and the mood would be what my wifey calls "prickly"; everything easily upset them and they weren't pitching in at home in any way when needed. Needless to say the mental health (and honestly physical health to some extent as a part of it) suffered as well. They were at an impasse.

Truth be told, they weren't the only guilty party. Anyone, at any point, at work, at home or otherwise had the chance to point out that any number of these problems were being over-focused on instead of finding a solution, or, worse still, being ruminated over even if and when a solution had been found. That is because bad or completely lacking solution focus is pretty universal; very few people learn it as they grow up, because their primary caregivers also have poor solution focus, and they aren't likely to pick it up either, because we tend to over-focus on problems instead. My own experience is that I had the wish and the will, and perhaps some solution skills...but it took grit, determination and active looking for why things go wrong and keep going wrong to grow these skills to the point where they are helpful to myself and others, at work or privately.

A huge obstacle to them is that we are often set and rigid in how we approach things. If you want a private life experience - take food. Normally, I'm the cook, and I love to cook. But there are times when work, research and even health issues are just too much. When wifey comes home and she's not feeling well or is too tired, she can't be expected to cook either. Normally, couples get "prickly" about that kind of thing. And honestly, we sometimes used to. And it felt overwhelming and horrible, because it definitely seemed like there was no solution we could apply to change the status quo. Now, applying knowledge about over-focusing (which becomes oh so easy when we are tired, worried etc!) has helped me, us, realise that the problem has a simple solution or two...always have a ready meal in the freezer, or have a takeout night instead.

In the case of the person from the initial conversation, solving the work problem would have been (will be?) a big task. Whenever we are not in a position to contribute to how decisions are made in an active and positive way, chances are that we will not be able to change the circumstances that are making us feel bad. This may sound bitter, but it's a simple realisation brought on by a decade of consulting and observation, and applies to most offices and many interpersonal relations. If you want to change how your office is doing things, you need to enable those who are a part of it to pitch in. (Again, be a leader, not a boss.) But even if they could do little to solve that problem, the problem at home, and in a lot of ways at least some of their mental health, were solvable. Learning to acknowledge that we cannot control what others do or think, be kind to ourselves and supportive of our own skills and those of others, appreciating what we have done when we have done something well (even if it remains under- or unappreciated by others, eg boss) and when others have done it, help us control an uncontrollable situation somewhat; discussing it openly at home and finding little things that we can do to make that load better too diminish the stress that gets added there, and makes our bond and communication better; and resultantly, we feel better in ourselves, and can be less stressed and sad. It's not a perfect solution, but it is a solution...and parts of it are here to stay, because, while you may want to ultimately change a job that makes you this stressed, and where people are rigidly opposed to change and solution-seeking, you will have learned skills that will be applicable at home forever.

Solution is the goal of every problem. Some solutions are, like that example, forever : there will be no need to change good communication once you have learned it, and workarounds for things that bothered you and caused difficulties, provided those workarounds continue being relevant (eg you may change an approach if your circumstances change...like using a slow cooker instead of getting takeaway, or no longer having to worry about dishes when you get a dishwasher, or no longer have to worry about who picks up the child from school because they grew up). Others are temporary, and situation-based, and can be used and adapted as needed. The important thing is to recognise what is needed when.

Some problems, too, really are insurmountable. Terminal illness, life-changing accidents and loss are not really "problems", but are similar, and change our lives forever, in ways we cannot hope to control...we can just do our best to recover as best as we can. Recognising that is ok, is necessary. But those problems are very rare, especially in the world of business where simplistic challenges like delayed email correspondence and late shipments are given the status of natural or personal disasters, and given to people to solve, but without focusing on solution as the answer.

In work with clients, I do my best to remind people that the problem they feel they have is only a problem as long as there is no solution. After that, it's information, a learning curve or simply an incident, because the solution not only solves the problem, but takes away the gravity of it. And yes, I do apply one question to my private life, as I was asked in that conversation, just as much as I do to work and clients : what is it that we are trying to accomplish?